I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
“Sheer Arrogance”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I put the p in pants.
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