To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Cats are still liquid.