@F0ll0w_Me_L0ve

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty

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@KateWhineHall

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

@Cpin42

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

@UnFitz

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

@_elvishpresley_

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@letsgetgizzy

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

@Diversion50

IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.

IAN: Really?

ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

@Royal_Stein

I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.

@mommajessiec

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

@maughammom

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.