@F0ll0w_Me_L0ve

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty

You Might Also Like

@iscoff

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

@OctopusCavemann

St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven

Me: Wow! An open bar!

St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink

Me: *slips him a fake ID*

St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music

@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

@SCbchbum

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

@iamspacegirl

In the middle of a GOP debate, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

@withanewname

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*