Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.