I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
9: you gonna cook it?
9: I love you
Me: I know
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?
ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.
ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.