911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty

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Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?



Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*


saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ



Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”


[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy


If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room


We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.


Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”


My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.