I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”