911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
lmaaaaaooooooooo
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.