‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”