I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
You Might Also Like
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
This trial is so absurd 😭
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?