@gruffybeard

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.

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@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

@NikiWithIssues

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

@leechee420

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

@TheBoydP

*scroll*

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

*scroll*

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@TweetsByKaylee

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

@panmidwest

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

@ItsAndyRyan

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

@domesticH

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

@katiefzack

I don’t throw people under the bus because there’s a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I’m not okay with.