911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
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Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work