@UncleDuke1969

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

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@RealJinjaNinja

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

@LlamaInaTux

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

@UncleDuke1969

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

@FreckleMcPickle

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

@Marcmywords2

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.