Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
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[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg
Patient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.