911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

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“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything


You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”

Make up your mind already.


Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.


Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?


Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.


“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”


What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO


Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.