@SaraMansford

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

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@TheCatWhisprer

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

@bonehugsnirony

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

@Juststopkate

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

@shutupmikeginn

[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now

@Darlainky

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

@ibid78

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days