I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
You Might Also Like
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days
me: [hitting the space bar]
hot alien: hey