911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
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museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
groan^2
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal