911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?