911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Shower sex be like:
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right