911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

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There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.


Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*


her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer


Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.


DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad


be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge


*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm


Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow


Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?


I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.