@Reverend_Scott

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

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@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@snarkymomtobe

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

@Awk0Tacoo

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

@knot_eye

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

@brittwastaken

I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.

@Dawn_M_

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

@JasonIsbell

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

@AmericanGent69

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.