911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.


I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong


I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.


Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,



I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.


You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.


If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”


Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.


It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.