911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets