911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
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I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
#titanic
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂