Female without the vowels is ‘FML’.
Need I say more?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
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Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Never look down on anyone. Unless you’re a lion cub named Simba and you’re being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.