“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Finally
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”