911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.