911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
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Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
step 6: release the wall snake
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。