why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
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This rocks
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work