@lamefactory

911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.

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@CruisinSoozan

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

@StephenAtHome

Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”

@Gooooats

Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:

4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?

Me: my coworkers were just the worse

I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad

Me: that is correct

@ArfMeasures

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

@ddsmidt

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.