Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.
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THEM: what a lovely Thanksgiving. did u enjoy urself
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”
Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:
4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?
Me: my coworkers were just the worse
I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad
Me: that is correct
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
French child going down a slide: yyyeeeeesss
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.