Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer