911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My boss called in sick of me
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Cat.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it