[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
#SuperBowl
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Autocarrot sucks!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!