I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
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Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Pizza is an emotion right?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific