There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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Life’s too short to have your shit together.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.