911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes