Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.