[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
being a writer on Twitter:
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*