no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The USS B port
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.