Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
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Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[emergency dentist appointment]
dentist: what seems to be the problem?
me: my teeth [turns to nurse] is this guy new?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
<Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.