911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot