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American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain