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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
