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Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
No one can handle that
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.