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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Breaking news:
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
