93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
This is sending me to another galaxy
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now