9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

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Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?


Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.


[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…


Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.


[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going


*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*


[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby