[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
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Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.