Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
*performs sax solo*
*performs sex, solo*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby