@ArfMeasures

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

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@GorillaNipples1

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

@HandfulOfLewds

Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.

@DaddyJew

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

@Angibangie

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

@SondraDeeMe

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

@mijamtweets

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

@DanMentos

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

@ArfMeasures

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

@ceejoyner

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

@gurl_sour

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.