95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Sing it!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.