@RichHarris2

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

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@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@stuckinaportal

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

@bigmacher

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

@LaziestCanine

[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette

@OctopusCaveman

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

@Annekinns

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

@KissabiX

Him: I really like Coldplay

Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse

@AndrewChamings

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

@rockymomax

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol