My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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sorry this might take a while…
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Him: I really like Coldplay
Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol