95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.