*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Very good! 👍😂