95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Hero horse inspires millions
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago