95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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How and why my FUR ROOM exists
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat