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Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Its a hippotatomus
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !