97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
ibopfufen
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.