@FrankTheDoorman

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

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@addamschloe

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

@mom_ontherocks

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

@Spaziotwat

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

@Nikkeya08

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

@girl_a_whirl

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@WritePlay

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

@awescar

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.