thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK
*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
This hospital has everything