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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Found my door mat
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?