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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.