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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.