99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Feels like the fourth month in January
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Respect
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?