99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist