@nachdermas

99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising

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@Sean_Burgundy_

All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”

@sock_holliday

[Doctor’s Office]

Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live.

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week

@Phook75

If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”

@subtweetopath

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.

@MoneypennyNaked

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

@13spencer

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

@PinkCamoTO

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

@hunz74

I quit drinking and my beer belly is now a pot belly.

@girl_a_whirl

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.