@nachdermas

99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising

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@Peachyisk

Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

@natedeschaine

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

@XplodingUnicorn

Someone cut my 6-year-old’s hair

She says she didn’t do it

Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her

@ConanOBrien

I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.

@VerbsRProudest

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

@WetMascara

Which came first: the chicken, the egg, or that guy with no control who said you should be flattered you made him finish so fast?

@TeaAndCopy

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

@TheToddWilliams

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

@Clare_innit

It’s fun to smudge your lipstick and ruffle your hair before you come out of your bosses office, then give your work colleagues a wink.