@patnspankme

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

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@MarieLoerzel

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

@TheBoydP

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

@TheCiscoKidder

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

@JesKeepSwimming

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

@MavenofHonor

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

@WigCannon

before stairs there’d be someone on the second floor and people would ask “how’d you get up there” and they’d be like “i don’t know”

@Awk0Tacoo

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

@Cheeseboy22

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

@ADDiane

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.