99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

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My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women


(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]


Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.


Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else


a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians


I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary


It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.


Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It’s called Facebook.


We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.