@patnspankme

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

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@Hurly_Burly

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

@RickAaron

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

@Schmoodles

Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.

@Vodkantots

Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.

@NoTheOtherJohn

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

@Brampersandon_

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

@BunAndLeggings

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

@dinnersruined

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

@truegritrumble

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school