me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
ME:They go to a different school