99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing