@SaveItForFest

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

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@bridger_w

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

@Home_Halfway

BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired

@Robert_Beau

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@adamlucidi

Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!

@MourningGlory_

My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.

Me: It’s really not that bad

@PerfectPending

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

@MomOfTeen

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???